I was once everything I ever wanted to be...
My name is Christopher M. Hatton but everyone calls me Mikie. M stands for Micheal, named after my dad.
I am 40 years old, married to the most wonderful women for going on 18 years now and have 3 wonderful kids. My son fixing to be 16 and my 2 daughter's one will be 15 later this year and my younged girl just turned 13. I met my wife when I was 22 and she had just turned 18. We have been together, through thick and thin, ever since then.
We are just your average central Oklahoma family working hard, raising our kids to be honest, respectful and caring. So far we have done great there. These kids are everything you could ever ask for. Love em so much. My wife is such a good mother and wife. I was a good father as well. Now, I feel I am throwing it all away.
I made a mistake. IT is my fault and I own it now. (with the help of my doctor's and psychiatrist) The problem is, it is killing me from the inside out. It is taking all of my hopes and dreams away and I am lost.
I never believed in depression really. I never understood it or how it could affect a person so much that it would turn them into someone they did not want to be and how they could feel powerless to stop it.
3 years ago I fell into a deep depression and was diagnosed with "Clinical Depression and Social Anxiety Disorder". I was just you average everyday Dad/Husband working, great job, great family and friends and really just had it all.
My mind just fell apart. I couldn't focus on anything. I stopped wanting to leave the house, stopped wanting to be around any of my family or friends and hated getting out bed. I was always so exhausted, couldn't sleep, fatigued, headaches, nausea and easily agitated.
I was once a great man. I tried so hard to make my dad and mom proud and I was accomplishing that. I was the guy that everyone I knew turned to for help. For anything, advice, help moving, help fixing cars or homes or yard work, just anything. My wife called me "her little superman" because there was really nothing I couldn't do. At work I was that guy too. I started this job basicly as a groundskeeper of sorts and within 4 years was managing an IT department within. Employee of the quarter, Employee of the year, Leadership nominee of the Year and so on. Everyone was saying I was just like my Dad. I was honest, caring and just a good guy.
Now I am scared. My mind was at times like you just threw a bunch of things into a blender and turned it on high. Everything was a blur and I couldn't make out what was there before.
I have been seeing a psychiatrist for the past couple years and with her help and the prescriptions I am better, but now for my mistake.
During the early stages of my depression, I started gambling. I have no idea why, just one night, I was alone, driving trying to get my mind right and just searching for answers and I stopped at a damn gas station that had a casino beside it. I went in and the lights and bells and sounds just took me. I sat down and played and for a bit I was able to forget about my issues and relax.
I let it consume me. I borrowed money to play any chance I got, I borrowed from family, friends and loan companys.
I hid this for about a year and a half but then it all came crumbling down.
My psychiatrist and my loving wife and my family helped me beat that and I banned myself from all casino's around but the damage was done. 26,700 ish dollars borrowed and lost. Now I am struggling to pay it all back and with my bills and just your everyday family expenses I can't make it.
My credit is terrible because of this. I have been sued 3 times but always paid it in full back. I have proof of that. I have never not payed it back but it may have taken more time than it should have.
I can't make the payments. IT's all my fault and I accept that and take full responsibilty for them. My mom and dad helped me get a loan to pay back some of it but we couldn't get enough to consolidate all of it. I can't file bankruptcy because it will hurt them and they will try to retire within the next 4 years.
I owe about 17k that I have to make 10 payments on each month to 10 differnet small lender types and even with any extra work I can find I can't make it. I have sold anything I could just to pay my family and friends back what I owed them and I am still short to some of them as well.
I have hurt my wife and my mom and dad the most. They were all so proud of me and what I had made of myself coming from where we did. I really was great. I was everything that I ever wanted to be. Now, I am a failure. A liar and everything I never wanted to be.
I have let my friends down, my family down and myself down.
Yes, I have beat the gambling. I don't do that anymore. I banned myself. But the pain and mistakes I made are still there. Knowing that I lied to the people I love and owing them money that no one really had to give in the first place is killing me.
What am I asking for?
A second chance. Please. If you help me, I will find a way to get it back to you. I promise.
I am truly scared and ashamed. I do not want this to be the end or what I remembered for. I want to be the person again I once was. I want to come back from this stronger than I ever was.
I want to be the best husband, father, son and friend that they all knew.
I want to be "little superman" again.
I can't believe I am here asking but if you could help me beat this I would be so grateful.
I just want to pay my debts. I want to be the father, husband, son, friend and person I used to be. I had it all. I gave it away.
I never really believed in depression or understood it. I never believed you could become addicted to something that wasn't drugs or alcohol but I found out first hand you can and how it could affect you.
If you help me, I will pay it back. It may take some time but I will get it back to you.
I want to be what I once was again. A great Husband, Father, Son, Friend, Grandon and Nephew. I was once all those things.
Thank you for reading this. If you can't help. Maybe say a little prayer for me. I would appreciate it.