A 39 year-old female who still wants to believe there is a better future waiting for her
Hello, I am a 39 year-old female, who, like so many others, have been struggling in today's terrible economic environment. So in many, many respects, my situation is far from unique from the hundreds, if not thousands of others posting here. And I'd even say my situation is really not that bad compared to the many heartbreaking stories I have perused here. Nevertheless, I'd like to tell you a bit about myself and hope that I will receive some help, so that I many in turn be able to help others in the future by paying it forward, so to speak. But that will be impossible without receiving some assistance first and foremost for myself since if I can barely help myself, what ability do I have to help anyone else, for that matter? So here is my situation:
I am a 39 year-old female, underemployed, living in a 250 SF apartment, which is for low income people. While my rent is only $675.00 flat, my temporary job's assignment is so erratic that I only end up working anywhere from 2-4 days a week at $12/hr. Luckily, I don't have car payments at the moment (I owe my parents thousands of dollars, which I cannot even begin to think about paying back, since I am barely scraping by right now as it is and they too are struggling themselves in their elder age). I do have recurring monthly internet expenses, the cheapest plan, gas, insurance, food and the miscellaneous expenses such as toiletries and such. I am lucky that a friend is "sponsoring" my use of a cell phone, in which she was kind enough to add me to her plan indefinitely. So for now, I do not have cell phone expenses. I do without things like cable TV, smoking, drinking, and clothes shopping, unless on occasion my mother or sister will buy me a piece of clothing at a discount store such as Ross or something drastically marked down. Otherwise, I don't visit the mall. It only accomplishes in making me despressed that I can't really buy anything and on the rare times that I did because I've deprived myself for so long, I find that I am short (no surprise) for the month so I end up needing to return it. I am not surprised by this though, as I am living check to check but still want to treat myself once in a while instead of living hand to mouth. I've also recently opened up a credit card that I was luckily approved for because I am needing to make up for the shortages that my current income just doesn't take care of due to the unstable nature of my days and hours I work.
Now let me explain my job situation. I am working a temp job in a certain industry in the hopes of getting hired permanently by one of the places I temp at. It's not so much that I want to work in this industry but because of my lack of experience in anything really lucrative or useful, I am in a position where the best I can hope for is a job that makes $14-17 dollars an hour. This industry I am trying to get into is very difficult to get hired at but with the right timing, luck and some months of working as a temp, I MIGHT get hired...eventually. My philosophy has been, if I have to work for a living doing something I don't like (or hate) I might as well try to make the most that I can so I can have a better quality of life outside of work.
When I had a regular 8-5 job making just under $17/hr before getting laid off with hundreds of others a few years back, I still never made enough money to get out of this rat hole, let alone be able to save. I've been living here for a little over six years now and I cannot seem to climb out of this cycle of either unemployment, underemployment, or employment but just not making enough to have any real quality of life.
Finding a roommate in a two bedroom just wouldn't work for many reasons, since with my unstable employment and pitiful income, I'd be a very unattractive roommate. I can scratch off living with my parents (who live in a tiny place themselves with only one bedroom)for a variety of reasons. Every year, I keep telling myself it will get better but it seems I have one kind of setback, if not another. Because of my embarrassment, I do not even like to tell anyone where I live, if it comes up in conversation. This is a 250 SQ, as I already mentioned, and it's a studio with a kitchenette so no stove, oven and dishwasher. It has a microwave, a sink to wash dishes, and a refrigerator. The complex has a community kitchen but I do not want to cook in there as it smells disgusting and you cannot easily come and go, as you have to ask for a key to be able to open the door.
Due to this unit only having one window, I have not once opened the blinds because people are constantly walking past it, on their way in or out of the building. So I have never been able to open my window and let the sunshine in. This state of living has left me feeling more and more depressed and hopeless that I will ever be able to get out of here. But moving out is only possible if 1) I make significantly more money or 2) I get to live rent free at my own apartment or house (what a dream)3) I meet a great man and fall in love, who I can then move in with. Being single at my age with no children is another deep wound that I am coping with on top of my work/financial situation.
If I could have it my way, I would be self-employed in some way, maybe selling products on Amazon or other selling platform and making a comfortable living where I can afford a decent apartment or condo of my own, and not be trapped in any kind of job I hate but work at because of not having other options.
This would allow me to be a stay at home mom, if I ever end up getting married and having a baby (I'm still hoping, even at my late age) and having the time and freedom to do other things I want to do, such as go back to school part-time (I only finished two years of college), do volunteer work (such as fostering dogs and cats)and just whatever else I want.
I have been struggling all my working years and I've never even had a real vacation, ever, because I either never had the money for it or friends to take them with. So I have almost no stories of travel or anything of the sort, in my almost 40 years of life and that's just embarrasing and painful when I really sit and think about it. Even people who profess to be "poor" have somehow traveled in their lifetime but I have no such experience. The furthest I've traveled out of the US is Washington and that was only recently, to visit the friend for a few weeks who is generous enough to put me on her cell phone plan along with her husband's.
Most people my age are married or own their own homes while I have never experienced neither. It's incredibly difficult to not have a life partner to lean on and be mutually supportive of during such hardships and we all know life is just plain hard, even when you are married, period. But the pain is magnified when I feel like I'm struggling through this all alone and not having anyone to really turn to for daily support. My own family are too busy with their own families and I don't really have any true friends, except maybe one or two and one of them lives out of state so I can't even meet her in person that easily.
So what am I asking for or hoping for? Obviously, financial donations are always useful. While I keep working in the hopes that I will get hired from temp to permanent, my income is wildly fluctuating, causing me untold anxiety week to week. No, make that day to day. My biggest expense is rent so financial donations would be most useful in helping to alleviate some of my worries and keep me hoping for a better, brighter future. Of course, if my too-goo-to-be-true wishes actually came true, some kind soul would offer me free rent (Apts or house/condo, alone) in the area I live in (Irvine/Tustin, CA)and most people will think I'm crazy for even hoping for something like that but why not just put it out there (here)since this is, after all, called Outrageous Requests.
I'm really hoping this upcoming year will be a breakthrough year for me and that I will really be able to get ahead in life, at long last, and enjoy some peace of mind. I want to feel like I actually have a future to look forward to and the way things are going right now, I can only see a bleak future with even more struggling and despair.
What I have discovered in life is that we are not in as much control of our lives as we like to think, and sometimes, positive changes are only possible through the help of a very understanding fellow humankind.
I never in a million years would have thought I would resort to essentially what is "begging" but when you've exhausted resources and help from all places you know to look for help and there is nothing more left, one has to swallow their pride and just ask for some help.
Thank you so much for reading.
Member Number: 2037-01